Sunday 28 June 2009

Review: Blood: The Last Vampire

Year: 2009
Director: Chris Nahon
Screenplay: Chris Chow
Starring: Gianna Jun, Allison Miller

Despite only watching the Micheal Bay's eye rape a little over a week ago. Transformers: Revenge of the fallen isn't even close to worst film I've seen this year. Hell, it isn't even the worst action/adventure film I've seen this year. Right now that dubious title falls to either The Spirit or Blood: The last Vampire.

Based on a 45 min anime about an Demon assassin who appears to be the last of her kind (a vampire). This live action "adaptation" (lengthened to average feature film running time) gives our lead character Saya (played by Jun Ji-hyun) what the screenwriter believes is a back story. From what I'm told the beginning is a cropped version of the anime before the filmmakers decided that a cliched, thinly layered, half arsed teenagers idea of a screenplay is the way to go.

I don't dabble in Anime as much as much as I could, but watching hackneyed shit like this doesn't make me wanted to venture further down that route. Blood is so full of inexplicable plot moments that questioning them became futile. How do they know this? Why is she doing that? These story holes aren't little blips that can be easily avoided, but huge gaps in logic just waiting to bitchslap the intelligent viewer. Yes the running time is longer but the screenplay does nothing to explain any rhyme or reason to the bad action sequences given to us on the screen. I should have known not to trust the trite exposition scroll at the beginning of the movie.

But it's bad narrative is only a lead up to some truly woeful action scenes. Sequences that could have been entertaining are hyper edited by what one could only suggest is a speed freak overdosing on the last of his cheap wizz. I don't understand why we are consistently force fed action scenes that are almost impossible to see. Aren't we supposed to see the stunts and the choreography? Am I missing the point? Surely not. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is full of superb fight scenes taken with stunning unbroken shots. This is supposedly by the "makers" of the former film but somehow holds none of the beauty of the earlier film. The makers look to be going for style over substance but clearly have none. So we are left with a garish, choppy movie that sets a viewer at a distance.

Acting wise the films actors are horrifically one note and dull and not worth noting in any shape or form. Although the lead actress Gianna Jun and the completely unnecessary Allison Miller are easy on the eye which make the garish look of the film bearable. God knows why Colin Salmon is in this, I believe that he has boat payments.

Chris Nahon's forgettable direction gives us a boring film which rolls from cliche to cliche at break neck speed. This is helped an insufferable script by Chris Chow which is full of stiff dialogue as well as the aforementioned basic story. A story which is cobbled together by elements of other (better) screenplays but with nothing to hold the narrative in any shape or form. Originality and freshness aren't in Blood's resume, neither is co-coherence.

I'm sure I could mention more into why I disliked Blood: The Last Vampire but I'm sure it would be as drining to read as the film as was to watch. It's clear that the film was rushed into development to try and ensnare anyone who may care about such a project. With more time and effort Blood could have been an interesting entry into the action genre, instead we get this. Ah well, Cest la vie.